My mother was a young woman in the 1950’s and 1960’s. She gave birth to me in 1957 when she was 21. She lived through the age of Women’s Liberation and was told she could “have it all.” She could have a successful career and a marriage and children. She could “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.” Women of her day became SuperWomen. The liberation of women didn’t just threaten men, it threatened the very concept of what a woman is and can be. Divisions were formed between women and by the time I was a young woman in the 1970’s and 1980’s it seemed like women were disassociated from each other or in outright competition with each other. Women have always been very good at relationships, especially with each other. Women in many societies and cultures throughout time have gathered together to cook, make things for their homes, and raise children. There is even a scientific basis for women’s greater focus on relationships; studies on the brain have shown that certain parts are bigger or more active in women than in men–the parts that have to do with relationships. Females outperform males in recognition of emotion or relationships among other people. Studies done in 2008 by Peg Nopolous, Jessica Wood and colleagues at the University of Iowa, show that one part of the brain, a subdivision of the ventral prefrontal cortex known as the Straight Gyrus or SG, is proportionally larger in women than in men. This area of the brain is involved in social cognition and interpersonal judgement. To go one step further, these studies found that the larger the size of the SG, the higher the scores on tests of social cognition and interpersonal awareness, regardless of sex and regardless of the fact that men’s brains tend to be 11 to 12% larger than women’s brains. Women also tend to have a larger deep limbic system than men. On the plus side, this allows women to be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express their emotions. On the negative side, this leaves women more vulnerable to depression, especially during hormonal shifts. Many women are chuckling at the last part of my last sentence. When is a woman not going through a hormonal shift? We experience that every month while we are menstruating. We go through 9 months of that during pregnancy and then shift again after childbirth. We not only go through menopause, but apparently also experience something beforehand called peri-menopause that can last 10 years! But back to mom. My mom was a big Women’s Libber. She tried to teach me that I could do it all and have it all. I was ambivalent toward the message. At the time it seemed that not only were men and women at war with each other, but women were at war sith other women. Women who didn’t have careers were defensive that they weren’t doing more. Women who did have careers were defensive that they weren’t home raising their children. I remember my pastor bringing stories about successful men in history into his sermons. I told him that just once I would like to hear a story about a successful woman who also managed to marry, stay married and have children. Careers for women have opened up and equal pay for equal jobs is better than it was in the 1950’s, but along the way a lot of women just became exhausted. The women of my generation have struggled to balance all their newfound freedom with not trying to be SuperWomen. Like all women of every age, we search for fulfillment. Even now, I have a hard time defining what that means to me.
If I had to pick one word that meant fulfillment, it would be flexibility. I’ve done a lot in my life. I’ve worked since I was about 15. I’ve worked for large corporations as an employee and I’ve worked as an independent contractor for commissions. I’ve had regular paychecks coming in and I’ve saved as much as I can of a commission check, not knowing when I’d have the next one. At this point in my life, I want flexibility. I want to be able to count on regular income, but I don’t want a 9 to 5 job. I will trade having paid vacation time for being able to get on a plane to be there for the birth of a grandchild. I will trade one week paid vacation time for being able to take a 2 unpaid weeks to go on a cruise with my husband. I want choices about how I spend my time. As I’ve said since the beginning of this blog, I want to use my God-given gifts and talents, not the abilities that my manager needs to get through the latest project. I am happiest when I am in control of my time. I have a long list of things I don’t need. That list mostly has to do with stuff. I don’t need a lot of stuff. I need choices.
Living Up to Mom 