Living Up to Mom

In about 9 days it will be a year since mom died. The odd thing about grief is how it sneaks up on you. I thought I would “fall apart” when my mom died. I didn’t think I’d be able to function at all. I functioned just fine and even spoke at her memorial and it was many months after her death before I cried. Relief has been a big part of my reaction. It was so heart-rending watching her final months. I visited her a couple of times a month for long weekends during the last months of her life. I bathed her and shopped for her and cooked for her and fed her and when she decided she wasn’t up to struggling out of bed every day, I changed her diapers. I watched her get thinner to the point of emaciation. I watched her wince whenever she moved from the pain in her thinning bones. I heard her voice growing weaker, and her breath coming harder. I saw the seriousness in her eyes when she had to try harder to put together a sentence or try to understand what I was saying to her. So, yes, there was relief when she passed on. There was a calmness and a peace to my life knowing I didn’t have to anticipate phone calls at all hours, and sometimes waking me from my sleep, from doctors or nurses or caretakers or her friends. I didn’t have to make decisions concerning my mom’s life or death any longer. I cried buckets when my mom was in the process of dying. I would wake up from dreams or nightmares in tears. I remember trying to help her take a shower. I had managed to get her clothes off her and she got her walker and headed towards the shower. As I watched her shuffle in front of me, the tears started coming as I saw how thin and broken her body was. I had to give myself a hard shake and pull my face together, because if mom had seen how upset I was, it would have upset her.  I grieved for years before I lost my earthly mom. Having said all that, the grief hurts more now than it did a year ago. I thought I must have done most of my grieving while mom was dying, but now I know that such a huge loss takes time, because it cuts you so deep that you can’t take it in all at once. You can only handle bits and pieces at a time. Now  I truly understand what it is like not to have her with me in this life. I miss her so!

It is ironic that mom prepared me so well for her death. She was the one who taught me about God and about Jesus. God is my comforter in the face of my mom’s death. I was reading the bible as she was dying and I was being discipled by a dear woman in my church as she was dying and I could never have made it through this last year without God’s help, without my faith, without my mother’s faith.  My mom gave me the one most important thing that I would need to get through life with or without her–she taught me how to have a relationship with God. I must continue that work, my mom would want me to. God surely wants me to.

One of my friends asked me about accepting Christ into her life. She said she was afraid she would have to become “this perfect Christian and give up things like smoking.” If she only knew what a common fear that is! I told her that God is not calling you to be perfect; he is calling you to perfect yourself through Him. He sent us Christ, because we can never be perfect. If you accept Christ and ask him into your life and your heart, if you open that door he is knocking on, the rewards will be beyond counting. You will come to know a peace and a joy that you have never before experienced, and that you can’t get from a cigarette or anything else on this earth. If you give up smoking or anything else in your life, it will be because you want to, but don’t think you are going to be perfect or that you will never sin again. We are human and it is our nature to sin and to be imperfect. The only way to overcome who we are is through Christ. He is the bridge, the gate, the liaison, the one who intercedes between us and God.  Accepting Christ and becoming a Christian is not a single act; it is a process. Your decision is a single and singular act, but you will spend the rest of your life understanding what it means to be a follower of Christ. You will have to take up your cross daily. You will still live in the world and the world is often a hard place to be. You will never be alone or without your Father in heaven, His son, and the Holy Spirit. Please, if you are struggling with accepting Jesus into your life as my friend is, don’t let fear prevent you from doing this, but let love guide you there. God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you, a deep, intimate relationship. He wants to be your Father and for you to lean on Him, turn to Him, and abide in Him. Fear does not come from God, but God is the remedy for fear. Love comes from God. His love for us is shown through Jesus Christ. If anyone reading this is struggling with the decision to accept Jesus Christ, I hope you will turn your face to God and open that door. It is the most important decision you will make in your life. Thank you, mom, for showing me the way.